I Need Good Jokes With a Lot of Dialogue?
Question by nintendorex: I need good jokes with a lot of dialogue?
Hey guys I have an audition tomorrow and they wanna hear some type of dialogue and I was gonna tell a joke. Any ideas?
Best answer:
Answer by Salamander
Try this:)
A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. “Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.
“Yes,” the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”
The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5, In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
“Ten quid mate” the owner says.
“£10 !!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
“Because he’s a lying b*****d, he’s never been out of the garden!”
*********************************************************************************************************
Or for something a little longer……
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!” Exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” Says the duck.
“Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that,” Says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” Explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks…
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,” Says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” Says the barman.
“The circus?” Repeats the duck.
“That’s right,” Replies the barman.
“The circus?” The duck asks again. with the big tent?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.
Of course,” the barman replies. “And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
“What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!”
Answer by shego1142
Uh, I hope you won’t mid dirty-ish jokes…
Mrs. Jones was having quite a problem with her husband. Mr. Jones was always, always falling asleep in the middle of church. They would get about halfway into the sermon, and all of a sudden she’d hear her husband snoring like a bear. It was very embarrassing for her, so she asked the Reverend what to do about it.The Reverend handed her a large needle.
“I can see you and your husband perfectly from the pulpit, and whenever he nods off, I’ll make a small motion with my hands,and you’ll poke him with the needle.” Mrs. Jones smiled and thanked him.
The next week Mrs. Jones and decided to test out the plan. Like usual all was well until about halfway into the sermon, when Mr. Jones nodded off. The Reverend repeated the motion he had last week, after asking the church members “Who made the ultimate sacrifice for you!?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband.
“Jesus!” Cried Mr. Jones. The Reverend beamed, his plan working perfectly.
“Right you are, Mr. Jones!” Shortly after, Mr. Jones nodded off again. The minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?!” Mrs. Jones poked her husband.
“God!” Cried Mr. Jones.
“Right again.” Said the Reverend. Soon enough Mr. Jones nods off again, however the Reverend doesn’t take notice, instead he gets into the sermon, making many movements, which, to Mrs. Jones, seem like signals to poke her husband. The Reverend asks
“And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his Ninety Ninth son?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband for the fifth time that day.
Mr. Jones woke up and yelled; “If you stick that Godd*mned thing in me one more time I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a$ $ !”
~~~~~~~~~~
John woke up one morning to find himself in H#ll. Of course, as most people would be, he was very upset about this and begun weeping. The devil appeared beside him and frowned.
“Oh, John, what’s wrong?” The devil asked. John looked shocked at the kindness he was being shown by the supposed ultimate evil.
“Well, I’m in H#ll, I’m upset about it of course…” He said slowly, looking confused. The devil smiled.
“Oh, well that’s nothing to be upset about! Lemme ask ya this,” He said and wrapped his arm around John’s shoulder. “Do ya like to smoke John?” John brightened.
“Yeah, I love to smoke!” He said happily.
“Ooh, well you’re gonna love Monday’s in H#ll then! All we do is smoke! Cigars, cigarettes, pipes, you name it, we smoke it! And the best part? Forget about lung cancer, you’re dead!” The devil said, beaming. John brightened even more. “Well, Do you like to drink?” The devil asked.
“I sure do!” John said smiling.
“Oh, well you’ll love Tuesday’s! Wine, beer, liquor of all sorts, ya don’t even have to tip your bartender, alcohol’s free down here in H#ll!” The devil said animatedly. John grinned. “So do ya like to gamble?” He asked. John nodded vigorously, all signs of tears completely gone. “Shoot, you’re gonna have a great time on Wednesdays then! Poker, pool, craps, even old maid! And, so what if gambling a sin, you’re in H#ll!” He grinned, patting John on the back. “You do drugs?” The devil asked, keeping his fingers crossed. John smiled.
“Yeah, I love doing drugs, especially cocaine!” He said happily.
“See, you’re gonna love Thursdays too! Cocaine, Meth, Pot, Acid, you can do it all!” John smiled.
“Well, Devil, I think H#ll’s gonna be a fun place for me, I don’t know why I was so worried!” The devil nodded.
“Well John, I only have one more question; are you gay?” He asked earnestly.
“No, why?” The devil frowned.
“Oh, John, you’re gonna hate Fridays.”
~~~~~~~
Three friends were out exploring an island when they were attacked by a group of cannibals and brought before the cannibal king. The Cannibal King looked at them and said:
“If you want to leave there are two things you must do first.” The three men nodded. “First you must go out into the jungle and collect ten of one type of fruit. Then bring them back to me.” They were each led into a separate part of the jungle, closely guarded but allowed to pick any fruit they wished. The first man comes back with ten small apples and throws them at the Cannibal King’s feet.
“What’s the second task?” He asks, more than upset about the ordeal. The Cannibal King smiles.
“I want you to put each of these fruit up your butt. If you make any sound or facial feature at all I will have you killed and eaten immediately.” The man nods and starts putting the apples up his rectum. as he shoves the fifth one in he can’t help but whine in pain and is eaten up. The second guy comes up at about that time with ten blueberries in his hand. The king relays the rules to him and he starts putting in the blueberries. He reaches nine and bursts out laughing. He’s automatically killed and eaten. Up in heaven the first guy asks the second;
“Man, you were so close, why on earth did you start laughing?!” The second answers:
“I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!”
What do you think? Answer below!
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